Close family bonds are an important part of development for children and adolescents. A strong family unit provides stability and safety for kids as they grow, allowing them to explore, make mistakes, and mature into physically and emotionally independent adults. Among families with grown children, close family bonds can provide an ongoing source of emotional connection and community throughout the seasons of life.
While few people would argue that a distant family is better than a tight-knit one, there are circumstances in which extreme family closeness is actually a sign of dysfunction. When family members’ lives are so deeply intertwined that they struggle to function as individuals, it is known as enmeshment.
Let’s explore the characteristics and warning signs of family enmeshment.
What is Enmeshment?
The term enmeshment was introduced by family therapist Salvador Minuchin in the 1970s. It describes a complex family dynamic where interpersonal boundaries are blurred, and individual roles are inconsistent. Enmeshment is sometimes referred to as “emotional incest,” especially when the enmeshment occurs between a parent and a child.
An enmeshed family may look unusually close and deeply bonded from the outside. Internally, however, family relationships are strained by a lack of privacy, excessive communication, overinvolvement in one another’s problems, confused roles between parents and children, and chronic emotional dependence.
Enmeshed families often pressure one another to conform to a specific set of values, beliefs, and behaviors. At the same time, any effort to differentiate oneself from the family or establish independence is met with fear, disapproval, and emotional or financial consequences from the more comprehensive family unit.
Enmeshment can be especially damaging to children because it often leads to them playing the role of emotional stabilizer for their emotionally immature parents. As a result, they often tie their self-esteem to their ability to “fix” or diffuse negative emotions in their caregivers. They also learn to equate love and approval with their willingness to ignore their own desires and needs.
Signs of Family Enmeshment
Many people who grow up in enmeshed families don’t realize how toxic their family dynamic is until they reach adulthood. Some of the key indicators of family enmeshment can be mistaken for deep emotional connection and care — things most people desire and actively seek. The difference is that enmeshment causes long-term harm to a person’s psychological and emotional health and compromises their sense of self.
Common signs of family enmeshment include:
- A lack of privacy between family members. For example, parents in enmeshed families often feel entitled to read their children’s journals, look around their bedrooms, sift through their belongings, listen to their phone calls, or open their bank statements, even if their children are adults.
- Consistent pressure to adhere to family norms. Enmeshed families usually display uniform beliefs and behaviors and expect all family members to conform. Examples include attending a specific school, working in the family business, entering a particular career field, or participating in a certain church or religion.
- A lack of independence or self-identity among individual family members. Family members in enmeshed families have a hard time asserting their independence. They are often discouraged from doing so, leading them to lean further into the emotional and personal entanglements of their family.
- Expectations to always prioritize family needs and expectations over personal desires. While putting one’s family first can be beneficial in many situations, placing family relationships above all personal needs, desires, and goals is unhealthy. Enmeshed families often expect absolute loyalty and may guilt-trip or emotionally manipulate family members who don’t fall in line.
- Parents expect children to provide emotional support, stability, and validation. Parents in enmeshed families usually avoid seeking help for themselves and instead rely on their children to be confidantes and caregivers. They often treat their children as pseudo-therapists, divulging inappropriate information and seeking guidance on adult issues like marital problems, financial problems, career issues, or interpersonal drama.
- Parents are overly involved in their children’s lives. Parents in enmeshed families often meddle in their children’s affairs or try to exert control over their children’s lives. This includes getting involved in their personal relationships, making decisions for them, or preventing them from pursuing certain life paths.
- Children struggle to make their own decisions. As children in enmeshed families reach adulthood, they often struggle with independent thinking and decision-making. This results from a lifetime of having decisions made for them, having their personal needs ignored, and having their judgment questioned or disregarded.
- Children feel guilty for asserting personal boundaries. In an enmeshed family, asserting one’s independence is often viewed (and treated) as a betrayal, while personal sacrifice and conformity are met with love and validation. Children in enmeshed families often believe they are directly responsible for their parents’ peace of mind and happiness. This belief can cause feelings of immense guilt when they try to establish boundaries or gain distance from their parents.
- Children struggle with outside relationships: Children of enmeshed families often struggle to maintain outside relationships (even as adults) because of continued interference, disapproval, or meddling from their family members. They may also struggle with codependency in relationships, as they’ve learned to derive their self-worth from what they can do for others rather than from inherent self-esteem or identity.
What Causes Family Enmeshment?
Enmeshed family dynamics typically arise from unresolved trauma, chronic illness, or untreated mental health problems. For example, a parent may struggle for years with an untreated personality disorder, causing their child to feel an inflated sense of responsibility for managing the parent’s moods and symptoms. Another example is a child who develops substance abuse issues, behavioral issues, or a critical illness; a parent may become enmeshed with their child out of fear for their safety or a desire to protect them from the world.
People also tend to mirror the behavior patterns they’ve witnessed in their own families. A person raised in an enmeshed family may practice the same behaviors with their own children, who then learn the behaviors from them.
How to Enforce Boundaries in an Enmeshed Family
The first step to breaking the cycle of enmeshment in your family is to recognize it when it happens. The next step is to find help. Treatment programs like those at Pasadena Villa acknowledge the complex relationships between enmeshed family members. We know how hard it is to assert yourself and get help when you know it may create a rift between yourself and your loved ones.
Enforcing boundaries starts with deciding what your boundaries are and developing the self-worth to enforce them. The treatment team at Pasadena Villa can help you learn the coping mechanisms and strategies to live a happier, more independent life.
We know a comprehensive approach to care is the best way to address enmeshment and the resulting family difficulties it causes. To learn more about our programs, call us at 407-574-5190 or call us or fill out the online form today.
References
- Healthline. (2020). What Is an Enmeshed Family?.
- VerywellMind. (2022). What Is Enmeshment Trauma?.
- Salvador Minuchin. (2021). Families and Family Therapy.
- Innovation in Aging. (2017). Family Relationships and Well-Being.E
